MONOSACCHARIDE: The simple sugar.

The last thing I need is for you to impose on me your theories as to why I am shrewd and not conforming to what you feel is healthy. So fine, think what you may, that it was out of repulse of one side’s hurtful flaws and a couple of bad experiences that must have wounded me pretty deep, whatever, or that I watch too much TV, whatever, seriously man, whatever. Just keep it to yourself. Do not keep reminding me. Stop trying to figure me out. I haven’t done it myself so I don’t see why you should. If you really must, do not do it at my expense. I am happy where I am. I am happy ignorant and confused and stagnant. All I know is that I am here because I chose to be here. Not because I was trapped in a corner and suffocating and desperate to be saved like you think.

Maybe I am in denial. I don’t know. Maybe, who cares, I certainly do not. It does me good that I do not think about it and that I deny according to my fancy. I do not think about it because I do not want to have this figured out just as of yet, meaning I do not wish to listen to your overwhelming opinions as you attempt to explain my life and my choices. I am young, I am reckless, I am careless, and I love it like that because it is undeniably easier that way. I am very comfortable with not having to wage war with the demons in my head just as so I can once again own a sad piece of terrain on your land. I am very comfortable with letting myself fall onto whichever side of the fence. Do not make it seem like the grass patch on your field is greener in comparison because I highly doubt you’ve climbed this opaque wall to see that other patch of grass and walk on it and lay on it and smell the dew on it the next morning like I have.

You cannot see through walls like Superman, can you? And hearsay does not count either because it does not do anyone, or anything, justice.

You choose to love what I love too, can you not understand that I love them for the same reasons too? Is it the male ego that hinders your acceptance that a seemingly inferior class is preferred over yours when by right, society gives you and your kind the throne?

Do you know that this experience has taught me more about myself than a whole army of men ever could? Have you thought about the fact that maybe I am truly in love with this new world, and not because I was left with no choice of alternative routes to salvation? Don’t you think it is possible that I have fallen in love through the course of my journey and not because I made up my mind to do just that before I began?

It is possible, is it not?

All that I ask from you is that you give me the benefit of the doubt. I am not sure myself, I am anything but clear-headed. But having negative mentalities like yours and churning such pessimistic ideas will not help either. Let the answers come to me naturally, let me explore and learn, truth will surface in due time, and when that happens, we will discuss. I will talk.

For now let me be.

Don’t you realise that it is people like you who say the things you said the reason why I cannot be proud of this, and instead hide it like it was some kind of embarassing, sick flaw? So much for encouraging me to be open, really. You only make me feel faulty and inept.

I am not one to diet. If I needed to lose weight, I would exercise and drink more water, I would cut down on late nights, but I am definitely not one to diet. I still eat whatever I want, whenever I want.

These days have seen me heavier than I have been in past years. I can’t help it. I am truly too happy, and happy people eat… Heartily.

I chatted with Jasmine, after not seeing each other in person for almost two months now. It went along the lines of,

“You won’t believe how much weight I’ve gained. And my tummy! Oh my goodness my tummy! I show you picture… K, can see?”

“OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?!”

I met up with Dino a few nights ago, after a really long time too, and I said,

“I’ve been happy! Can you tell? It shows around my belly!”Who would thought my butt could get any bigger than it already was?

“And around your arms, your face and your butt… Your thighs are bigger than mine now.”

A conversation with my mum this morning,

“Adek I cooked your favourite… But I am not encouraging you to eat. I made it extra spicy too, but I am not encouraging you to eat.”

“…@#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!”

 My favourite,

When I bumped into an old friend 2 days ago in Woodlands,

“Hey you!”

“OMG you look like a mother of three! I didn’t recognise you!”

“Yea you’ve always said I look like a mother.”

“But NOW mother of THREE, not one anymore!”

“CIBAI YOU ALSO GAINED WEIGHT OK!”

“Yes but abit only! I didn’t upgrade by two whole kids!”

It’s raining. I can’t jog.

“Oh fuck off Mark. It’s not my job to make you a better man and I don’t give a shit if I’ve made you a better man. It’s not a fucking woman’s job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some fucking man can evolve.”

-Jenny, The L Word Season 2 Episode 11.

The girl waits on the shore and looks out to sea. She holds her breath until his ship sails in. She has so much to say. She won’t dig her toes into the sand. So let the waves soak her dress. She won’t walk and she won’t breathe. She has too much to say. She takes this time to figure them out. Words don’t fail her.. Please.

To internalise:-

and my personal favourite,

Steve Aoki at Zouk, call me if you’re interested. We’ll have a blast!

I am incredibly misunderstood by many, I realise. Especially those I have only just met. What makes that ok for me is probably the fact that the ones who loved me then love me even more now, and would probably love me still years down the road.

To the select few who have offended me by falling out of love with me in the course of the friendship, I daresay you lose out. I am one to better myself and if you would have just stayed a little longer to see it through, you would have gained more than what you stood to lose.

I am back from the salon. I am tired from a hard day’s work and (a lack of) sleep that is seemingly impossible to catch up with. I have been reading Ash’s short stories and I realise I miss writing. I miss feeling. It is terrifying to let myself feel now. Everything’s been swept and tucked away into a bottle. I am waiting for the glass to explode onto the keyboard. My keyboard has three hundred and seventy alphabets and keys. I cannot imagine a man’s affection for a woman could ever compare with the connection that is made when a woman is affectionate for another. I am possibly homophobic when I look into the mirror. So much so that I have looked at myself lesser of late. But I am engulfed in your feminine prowess everytime I look back into your eyes.

I miss writing.

I will be your sunshine through the rain. In return, will you promise me solid ground?

We could be complimenting jigsaw pieces. Or our lives could.

I think this calls for a trip to the salon.

So tell me, what is the damn point of me going down this very unnecessarily terrifying new route, that might or might not be of worth to me in the long run, if my new encounters are simply manifestations of what I’ve stuck through before, minus a dick?

I came this far because I thought a change was in order. I took a huge step for myself in a very risky direction just as so I can put a definite stop to tiring old ways. But you, you might just be proof that the devil indeed comes in every shape, size, and apparently, gender too.

And me, I’m just living proof that no matter which angle you bend the damn arrow, players will still be just players, and girls who are attracted to players (and only players) will still be just that.

You may have just ruined my last remaining bit of faith in humankind. This is dreadful, I swear. Do you see the gravity of this?!

I can’t stop this thing short, that’ll be lame. But I won’t play either, cause then that’ll defeat the purpose of you in the first place. So this is what I am going to do. I am going to start being honest. So brutally honest. No more pretense, no more hiding. Everything’s going to come out, and then I’m going to demand for an answer, and if it’s a no, I am moving on. I may find you hot, true, but please remember, I still hold both cards in my hands. I can switch anytime I like and you’d be forgotten faster than you can say gay.

I have also adopted a no return policy of late, to ensure space for newer, fresher stock; and I dare say I have been keeping at that rather well.

And you… You better start thinking hard about what you really mean to say cause the next wish that you make? Well you might just get it, beautiful.

Sidenote, Zouk was terrific. So was Marco V. It’s now 7.41am. Goodnight world.